as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
