The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
