WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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