I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
