somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Couch. On fire.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
