Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
