People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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