if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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