There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
