life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
