he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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