The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
