i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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