I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
