"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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