I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just tell him i said nine months
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
