Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
