you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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