I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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