OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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