What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
