I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
