K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found puke in my bra..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
