At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
