I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
