When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
