Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
And then my night got REAL pukey
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
