fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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