Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
