I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
