and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.