sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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