Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
