Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
