bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
