Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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