I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
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Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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