I think im going to throw up on grandma
Is it because I queefed?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
