we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
