Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
