it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
