Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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