don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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