I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
