A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
