when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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