It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
