Just took my morning after pill in the library
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like a drive thru vagina
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
