I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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