Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
