Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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