got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
