There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
