She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
