so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
