I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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