You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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