it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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