He uses pillows to masturbate.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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