Come see our sink grown plant.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i think my cat just said my name.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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