I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
